Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

A letter to all the men in my life.

I could say that I’m annoyed.  Annoyed with men.  Let’s start there.  Please don’t call me or text me or IM me only when you are fighting with your current girlfriend and ignore me the rest of the time.  Please don’t make plans and then flake out on them.  Please treat me with the respect I deserve.  Please don’t try to get me drunk so I’ll sleep with you.  Please don’t run away because I’m not perfect.  Please listen to me.  Please hold my hand.  Please know what you want.  Please talk to me.  Please be silly.  Please love something.  Please admit who you really are.  Please tell me if you are a player.  Please help me put up bookshelves.  Please don’t think you know me after an hour.  Please don’t yell.  Please don’t gossip about me to your friends.  Please read to me when I’m sick.  Please don’t discriminate against me at a job interview because I love kids.  Please love to travel and see new things.  Please be a man and not a child.

Love,

Becki

January 9, 2007 at 2:56 pm Leave a comment

On loneliness

When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.                               – Tennessee Williams

I’ve been battling with loneliness this week.  A relationship ending will do that eventually I suppose.  It’s an interesting dillema for me, because there is a great part of me that loves to be alone, to have the time to think and accomplish what I want to accomplish. 

But there is a part of me that misses the person that I am, when I am truly understood by another soul as well.  I miss my own laughter, the sharing of affection, intelligent conversation.

The terrifying thing is being in the position that I am, where you don’t know where to turn to alleviate the isolation.  I’m sitting precariously high on a fence between two worlds and no matter how hard I try, I find it impossible to choose one side over the other, and the chances of anyone being foolish enough to climb up beside me are less than none.   

Some existentialist philosophy views aloneness as the essence of being human. Each human being comes into the world alone, travels through life as a separate person, and ultimately dies alone. Coping with this, accepting it, and learning how to direct our own lives with some degree of grace and satisfaction is the human condition.

However, other existentialist thinkers argue the opposite. Human beings might be said to actively “engage” each other and the universe as they communicate and create, and loneliness is merely the feeling of being cut off from this process.

Also, Buddhist philosophy argues that loneliness may be completely overcome by making authentic connections to other human beings, on an emotional level. Under this viewpoint, loneliness is therefore the opposite of the natural human condition; it then becomes the lack of action against a human system as constant as hunger or thirst. Loneliness becomes the lack of action.

 – Wikipedia

There is certainly more I could be doing, but the results seem to always be the same…the inconsolable feeling of being utterly alone in a room full of friends, not able to communicate and understand each other on the most fundamental of levels.

So hermitting aside, I feel I must begin a quest.  A quest of enlightenment, spiritual growth and understanding.  It is the only way I will ever be able to come down from the fence.

October 30, 2006 at 5:22 pm 2 comments

Yes, I’ve become a Hermit…

…as my parents feel the need to almost continually remind me.  I’m not sure who it was exactly, that decided that was a bad thing.  I’m beginning to think there may be something to it all.  For your money, here’s what my daily hermitting entails:

Organization:  Trying to fit 30 years worth of ideas, writing, instruction on writing, research and journaling into some sort of easily accessible “less than mess,” so that I can concentrate on actually writing. It’s a work in progress, but it’s getting somewhere.  My system is at least mapped out and backed up, if not completely filed and indexed yet.

Reading:  Books on writing, screenwriting, promotion, philosophy, new and classic novels, instructional newsletters, rss newsfeeds, email and of course the occasional US Weekly or fun web site to give my brain some down time.

Promotion:  Work on framework for promotion including an under construction author’s website as well as a website for other writers and business folk.  Also putting together ideas for a newsletter to go along with both sites.

Actually Writing:  I haven’t kept solid track of my output for each and every day, except to say that I try to push my self a little bit farther today than I was able to stretch yesterday.  I’m still working on ‘Broken Butterflies,’ however, now in novel form.  I also spend time on several other projects, blogging or journaling pretty much every day.

Naps: Ok I admit it, occasionally my body just says, “NO MORE!”

This Week: is especially crazy for me.  I’m attending my first online Writers Conference this week and barely have time between sessions to breathe let alone take the nap my head wants.  But, I’m finding it a great networking and learning experience and highly recommend it.  It’s free, and I can attend in my pj’s!  What more could a girl want.

Speaking of conferences, I had to cancel my reservations in LA for this year’s Screenwriting Expo.  After attending the past two years, it will be missed.  But unfortunately bills,  and my health have to come first.  Hopefully I’ll be back next year.

I’ve also decided to participate in this year’s National Novel Writing Month, where I will endeavor to complete a 50,000 word novel, start to finish during the month of November.  So consider yourself forewarned.  If I don’t return phone calls or emails, I’m either trying desperately to get my word count, or sleeping.  Feel free to act as my conscience and keep track of my progress.  I have a few ideas percolating for this project and can’t wait for November to start. 

(And I’m already 3 weeks behind on Grey’s Anatomy, thank heaven for DVR’s)

Ok, I promise not to become a total hermit for life, there are some movies I want to see, and I still have to go to doctor’s appointments…so I hereby pledge at least one non-hermit activity per week!!!  And yah, Dad I promise I’ll get that cost comparison you want done…Does that count?

October 9, 2006 at 5:47 pm Leave a comment

On Admiring My Sister

The following is from my sister’s blog.  For anyone who doesn’t know, my sister is almost 10 years younger than me, and she’s been through alot.  In addition to dealing with addictions that took root at a very young age, she has already been through a difficult marriage, difficult delivery, and a constant battle to regain the trust of those she loves.  She has also seen many friends die from drug overdose.  Just this past week, another of her friends, a kid I had met on several occasions died of a heroin overdose.   I think this makes a total of 8 and she is only 21 years old.  At thirty, I haven’t lost a single friend to anything, so I can’t even imagine what that must be like.  It also gives you a glimpse of what it has been like for us over the past years, wondering if she would be the next one to die.

Today, her future is looking much more secure.  Things are not perfect, but to see her interacting with her son, smiling and laughing without any chemical help, talking openly about her addictions and attending meetings through the church is something I wouldn’t have thought possible just six months ago.  I’m so proud of her. 

For the first time in my life I feel like I have a semblance of what I’ve always wanted, a real relationship with her, and I just want to see her succeed so badly.  For the first time in a long time she has goals and dreams of things she wants to accompllish, and I want to help her with those goals.

She has even been an inspiration to me, reminding me of all the things I clung to for support not so long ago and awakening in me a desire to return in one way or another to that life.

Theresa, know that you are in my thoughts at all times and in every prayer.  So many people love you and want to see you succeed.  Your son loves you and he understands your struggles.  He is proud of you and so happy to have his “ma-ma” back.

I love you!

Quote

Life goes pretty smooth when you’re doing the right thing!
I definately have a lot to say about my life right now. I am so proud of myself for overcoming an addiction. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and something that I struggled with for a very long time. But I am so proud to be the person that I am today! I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I have learned alot through this whole experience and probably the best thing is that I can be forgiven. I love that I can be a Mother again to my son Ryland and that when he looks at me I know in my heart that he loves me. What a great feeling. I truly do not understand what I was running from for so long, LIFE IS AMAZING!

October 1, 2006 at 5:57 pm 1 comment

On Sisterz in Zion

“(Many church members) literally speak the same language, right down to the cultural nuances and accents of brand names and sports teams, so there are ways in which they have never had to learn to listen beyond those limitations. I believe that the Church stands on the brink of an enormous leap forward as a universal church from a foundation of great strength, but I think it must do so as a result of biculturalism.”

–Chieko Okazaki, ‘Borders, Boundaries and Bridges’, BYUH Cross-Cultural Leadership Conference

From the ‘Sisterz in Zion’ website 

I’m not sure if anyone else caught the premiere of the documentary film ‘Sisterz in Zion’ that aired between conference sessions today, but it brought up so much emotion for me.  It felt like a flashback through so many different parts of my life, everything from living in New York, the MTC, my mission, being the only active member of my family, or a minority member at school, feeling left out around the Utah or Cali girls, teaching Sunday School, even attending summer camp at Carroll College, when I was 12.   

I literally felt as if I was watching a part of my soul on the screen.  I realized how much I treasure my time spent among culturally diverse people and how much of who I am today came from those experiences both in Hawaii and New York.  For those who didn’t catch it, it’s basically follows a group of minority girls from Manhattan who travel to Utah for the first time to attend EFY.  It’s really a simple concept, but very effective.  I highly reccommend it.

For more info: www.sisterzinzion.com

October 1, 2006 at 5:52 pm Leave a comment

Poor Little Rye Bye

Sadly, I’m not the only one spending time in the hospital and getting poked and proded with needles lately. We had to take Ryland into the ER last night after he woke up screaming and I went in to find him throwing up and acting very unresponsive. They ran every test you can think of on him, including a spinal tap (ouch!) to check for spinal meningitis. They kept him in the hospital last night, thinking he had somehow ingested something he shouldnt have, but are now thinking he may have had a seizure and are keeping him at least another night. Poor little guy. Everyone keep my little angel nephew in your prayers. Thanks.

September 24, 2006 at 6:08 pm Leave a comment

Updating: My computer and myself

I’ve spent so much time lately updating my computer and trying to get it in perfect working order so I can write uninterrupted, that I’m beginning to feel like I need to upgrade myself.  My brain is fried by all this computer mumbo jumbo, half of which I don’t understand.  The half that I do understand is what is giving me a headache. 

I did come across a few interesting programs that I like so far.  I’ll talk about them if I decide to keep them on.

I’m feeling much better, for those that have been asking.  Mostly just the numbness in my left hand now and some memory and very mild speech problems (forgetting words, words coming out wrong), but I’ve gotten my muscle strength and energy back so I can pretty much go about my day as normal.  I can’t even get in to see the Neurologist until the 3rd of October, so there isn’t really anything I can do but wait and try to ignore it. 

I did have to drop my Humanities class I was talking last night, because I had missed a major test the week before and was set to make it up last night.  The only problem was I thought last night was tonight.  I was a day behind, and then I couldn’t get anyone to drive me to go makeup the test, so no test, no passing class.  The teacher is really strict.   Oh well, I should be able to get a full refund with a doctors note.  I’ll just read the book myself and probably get more out of it than listening to the teacher talk about what we are not going to have a chance to cover in class, and what we might cover in class for half the class period. 

Not being able to drive is the worst part though.   I miss my freedom!

September 22, 2006 at 6:22 pm Leave a comment

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