Archive for October, 2006

On loneliness

When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.                               – Tennessee Williams

I’ve been battling with loneliness this week.  A relationship ending will do that eventually I suppose.  It’s an interesting dillema for me, because there is a great part of me that loves to be alone, to have the time to think and accomplish what I want to accomplish. 

But there is a part of me that misses the person that I am, when I am truly understood by another soul as well.  I miss my own laughter, the sharing of affection, intelligent conversation.

The terrifying thing is being in the position that I am, where you don’t know where to turn to alleviate the isolation.  I’m sitting precariously high on a fence between two worlds and no matter how hard I try, I find it impossible to choose one side over the other, and the chances of anyone being foolish enough to climb up beside me are less than none.   

Some existentialist philosophy views aloneness as the essence of being human. Each human being comes into the world alone, travels through life as a separate person, and ultimately dies alone. Coping with this, accepting it, and learning how to direct our own lives with some degree of grace and satisfaction is the human condition.

However, other existentialist thinkers argue the opposite. Human beings might be said to actively “engage” each other and the universe as they communicate and create, and loneliness is merely the feeling of being cut off from this process.

Also, Buddhist philosophy argues that loneliness may be completely overcome by making authentic connections to other human beings, on an emotional level. Under this viewpoint, loneliness is therefore the opposite of the natural human condition; it then becomes the lack of action against a human system as constant as hunger or thirst. Loneliness becomes the lack of action.

 – Wikipedia

There is certainly more I could be doing, but the results seem to always be the same…the inconsolable feeling of being utterly alone in a room full of friends, not able to communicate and understand each other on the most fundamental of levels.

So hermitting aside, I feel I must begin a quest.  A quest of enlightenment, spiritual growth and understanding.  It is the only way I will ever be able to come down from the fence.


October 30, 2006 at 5:22 pm 2 comments

I think I’m losing my mind….again.

Two days until I’m supposed to start writing a novel, and I still don’t have a plot nailed down.  I’ve been researching and beating my head against the wall all week.  The problems all started when I realized that my brilliant ideas had already been written by bestselling authors.  I suppose they weren’t brilliant enough.  So I’m having to start almost from scratch, trying to come up with a riveting original concept, and only have two days left for pulling it all together.  Sure some of it can be done as I write, but I was hoping to have more of a gameplan by now. 

 Oh well, back through the looking glass for me.

October 28, 2006 at 5:06 pm 1 comment

Clean Bill of Health…pretty much.

Saw the neurologist today, my mri, echocardiogram and carotid doppler all came back fine, which pretty much rules out ms or a stroke.  But still leaves a mystery as to the cause of my symptoms.  Admittedly, they are much better than three weeks or a month ago, but it’s still perplexing and frustrating to me.  The neuro sent me for some MORE bloodwork, though I can’t think of a test they haven’t done blood wise (he says he wants to check how my blood clots) and said to come back in four months.  Okay.  That leaves the door wide open for my mother to chime in, “See it’s just stress” and “You need to take better care of yourself”.  Maybe true, but I really can’t imagine how any amount of stress could have brought this on, and I’m sure, despite my mother’s insistence that it’s not an effect of my eating habits. 

It did manage to very effectively get me to quit smoking my few cigarettes a week though, and all I can do now I  suppose is wait for the few symptoms I have left to clear up, go get poked with more needles, and hey….guess this means I can drive again!!!

October 25, 2006 at 7:07 pm Leave a comment

Visual Motivation for NanoWriMo

October 25, 2006 at 11:39 am Leave a comment

Ignorance is NOT Bliss

“Man’s basic vice, the source of all his evils, is the act of unfocusing his mind, the suspension of his consciousness, which is not blindness, but the refusal to see, not ignorance, but the refusal to know.” – Ayn Rand

I’ve been thinking alot about ignorance lately.  Someone asked a question on q&A last month about the “gap” in the world today, and my immediate response was: Ignorance.  Everyone agreed with my statement, but there wasn’t much satisfaction, because just knowing that ignorance exists, doesn’t make it easy to fight.

As tensions have continued to grow in the middle east and militant islam extremists are being compared to Nazi automotons, whose children are bred with a sole purpose of furthering their cause, my frustrations have only grown.  When the president of Pakistan writes a book and is forced two days later to retract his accounting of bounties paid his country by the CIA for capturing key members or Al-qa’eda, my frustrations grow.

Today they reached a boiling point as I read the following article:


October 23, 2006 at 5:16 pm Leave a comment


I’ve been accepted as one of ten participants in this years Ghost Ranch Writing Retreat in Oracle this summer, I’m quite excited to workshop the novel version of “Butterflies” there and they seemed really positive about the marketability of the concept, so hopefully the week working with editors and agents will nab me a sale.  It gives me a deadline to have the manuscript ready, if nothing else and all I have to worry about now is paying to get there. lol.

The week has been a blur of pain, labcoats and cat naps.  I had all my medical tests finished up this week, so hopefully I’ll have some answers on Wednesday.  Let’s just cross our fingers.

I’ve been busy working on my websites.  I’m doing a very extensive Literary Calendar for which is time consuming, but I think will ultimately be a big draw to the site, and I’ve already gotten emails from people wanting to be notified when the launch of happens, so things are moving along.

I had an article published on this week (as Aurel) , and submitted to a few other ezines.  My goal is to get one out a week, but we’ll see.

I’m dreaming my novel for Nano and having fun learning all about the NSA and intelligence from some great online groups, so I’m feeling a bit more relaxed about November.

And, I was also accepted as one of ten members of an AMAZING online critique group, LDSmindspill.  We are required to do daily excercised and offer feedback, and I just love the group already.

Ok, enough about me.  Oh wait, that’s the point isn’t it?  I GET to be egotistical here and pretend that people care.

October 22, 2006 at 5:39 pm Leave a comment

Editor for and other minutae.

Editor for and other minutae.

I’ve been accepted as the newest Editor at a news information source for writers.  This will be my first official endeavor under my nom de plume, Aurel Montgomery and along with preparing for Nano in November I’m striving for an official  Nov. 1st launch date of, my inspiration and resoure site for authors, also edited cheifly by Aurel. Beyond that I’m shooting for a Jan. 1st launch date for  I’ve met a very talented graphic designer that I’m excited to be working with for that project.

My novel for Nano, The Twelve, is undergoing daily structural and character changes which I hope to have ironed out by Nov. 1st.

I’m also applying for the Akademie Schloss Solitude fellowship, a 6-12 month artists residency program in Germany, so I’m working on getting my application materials polished for that.  Wish me luck.

October 17, 2006 at 5:42 pm Leave a comment

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